The Beyoond
Understanding our emotional responses to reciprocated affection unveils a profound exploration into our self-perception and the intricate tapestry of our past experiences. The moment someone we’ve admired reveals a mutual interest, we are confronted with a myriad of emotions that reflect not only our present state but also the imprints of our formative years.
Certainly, we all long for the beautiful sensations and emotions that conquer us at the moment of engaging in a romantic relationship. There is nothing more exquisite than having someone love us without limits, sharing beautiful moments, and standing by us in the challenging situations of life. However, for some, accepting love may not be easy, primarily due to the “deprived” affection they received in their childhood or the bitter experiences of love they endured during adolescence.
Which of the following might we be tempted to use to complete the sentence: When someone I like likes me back, I…?
I. A Joyful Embrace: I Am So Pleased
One of the most consistent findings from research into well-being is the profound sense of happiness that love provides. Feeling cared for and cared about meets a basic need for intimacy and connection. Many describe pure joy – an uplifting, light feeling of fulfillment deep within.
Elle Wood, a daughter of two loving parents, likens it to “coming home. It’s that warm, cozy feeling of being exactly where you belong.” Everyday gestures sustain this joy through nonverbal “I’m thinking of you” reminders that one is valued. Holidays and celebrations dedicated to sharing love similarly boost mood by strengthening bonds of care.
For individuals fortunate enough to have a positive psychological history, the experience of reciprocal affection is met with genuine delight. This response stems from a foundational sense of self-worth, cultivated through years of being valued by significant figures in our lives. The belief that we are deserving of love and that our admirer possesses inherent decency and kindness is a reflection of the positive influences that have shaped our emotional terrain. Trust, established in vulnerable moments of the past, becomes the sturdy ballast allowing us to navigate the uncertainties of mutual affection. Embracing this response signifies emotional maturity, as we’ve successfully passed the pivotal test of both trusting and being trusted.
II. Navigating Uncertainty: I Worry There’s Been A Mistake
“If it comes down to a choice between being unloved and being vulnerable and sensitive and emotional, then you can just keep your love.”
“I don’t deserve him at all; he’s better than me in everything. Honestly, I’m ignorant of the reason that makes him love me and stick with me to this extent. There is a vast difference between him and me, whether it’s in terms of external appearance, social status, or academic achievements. While it’s true that love is blind, I believe he will soon see the disparities between us and decide to end our relationship. That’s his right in the end, as I don’t deserve his love from the start.”
This is a quote from what Casey Cooke (a nickname) said about her relationship with her manager, who is approximately 10 years older than her.
Casey acknowledges that her self-confidence is shaky, and she feels as if she’s suffocating every time the other party overwhelms her with affection and emotion. This is especially true because, since childhood, she hasn’t been accustomed to indulgence: “My dad is very strict; for him, we were raised to be strong and should be harch to life. My mom, by nature, doesn’t express much, so I’m not used to a lot of tenderness. That’s why I get uncomfortable if I find someone who cares a lot about me and pampers me.”
For others, the revelation of reciprocated affection triggers a distinct set of responses rooted in deep-seated insecurities. Grown under the shadow of the belief that we cannot measure up to those we admire, the idea of someone returning our affections becomes an anxiety-inducing prospect. The fear of exposure as unworthy or the anticipation of an imminent revelation of a mistake looms large. Past experiences, where our efforts to be liked fell short, amplify these worries. The instinct to withdraw or avoid contact serves as a defense mechanism, preemptively handling the perceived rejection we are convinced will unfold.Email *JOIN
A Defensive Dismissal: I Go Off Them At Once:
“I hate and love. And why, perhaps you’ll ask. I don’t know.”
― Catullus
“I remember crying when someone would tell me they liked me and it used to make me feel physically ill. I didn’t want them to talk to me or be near me or anything. Even times I would take days off school so I didn’t have to deal with it. The same as if I was given gifts. I would break up with whoever I was dating because it just used to make me feel so uncomfortable. I threw every gift away and I would cry over how mad I got because I didn’t want gifts from them. I didn’t ask for any gifts and I don’t want them to like me.
I don’t know what it is. I’ve had 3 long-term relationships one being a marriage ( divorced the pos) Even then when I found out he liked me I felt sick and I didn’t talk to him for a long time. It took me ages to feel like I wanted to hang out and even then just I don’t know I just wasn’t sure about any of it. I should have followed my gut on that one cos all he did was have affairs. ” (user on Reddit)
A more outwardly critical response emerges when reciprocated affection is met with self-disgust. In this scenario, the individual decides that the admirer cannot possibly be the person they imagined—a kind, accomplished individual. The dissonance between the admirer’s positive perception and the individual’s negative self-image leads to a preemptive release. By labeling the admirer as a fool or a weirdo, the individual attempts to distance themselves from the discomfort of being loved by someone they believe possesses poor judgment. This response underscores the profound impact of self-perception on our ability to accept love.
The Unseen Forces: A Glimpse Into Our Pasts
What is noteworthy about these responses is the absence of a specific lover or partner in the scenario. Instead, our reactions are intricately interwoven with our pasts, offering a unique viewpoint on the origins of our emotional responses. The choices we make in response to reciprocated love are not mere reflections of the qualities or flaws of the person before us. Rather, they reveal our experiences in childhood. This realization provides hope by challenging the unfair judgments we may have cast upon ourselves, suggesting that we are far more liberated to love and be loved once we acknowledge the impact of our challenging pasts.
In peeling back the layers of our responses to reciprocated affection, we unearth the intricate dance between self-love and our past experiences. The journey from genuine delight to overwhelming worry or outright dismissal speaks volumes about the depth of our emotional landscapes. By acknowledging that our immediate reactions are often shaped by the vulnerabilities of our formative years, we embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. This exploration encourages a shift in perspective, allowing us to embrace the possibility of love with a newfound understanding of its roots and a greater capacity for self-compassion.
Take care
